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Collection of Anti-Jokes – Part One

 

Warning: If you are sensitive to rude offensive language and content please do not continue reading the following jokes. These jokes can be described as dark humor and are funny to individuals with a very unique sense of humor. They are in no way meant to offend and are actually in its very nature meant to make people laugh.

 

 

A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it’s destroying his family.


Have you noticed when you see geese flying and they’re in a V pattern, often one side will be longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

A.There are more geese on that side.


Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The police! I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.


Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.


Q: Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

A: He uses the highest quality ingredients.


Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?

A: Because their profession is very serious and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.


A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him; he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.


Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One.


Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’

The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.’


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.


Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

A: He doesn’t, he’s dead.


Q: What do a banana and a helicopter have in common?

A: Neither of them is a police officer.


Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas?

A: Nothing.


Q: What did the Asian say to the black guy?

A: “Hello”


Q: What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A: A pilot.


Two whales are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says “Oooouuuuuuueueeeeeouuuoooeoeiieiiooaoaaaoaoeiieuaoaoooeeieeeeuaiaaaauuuuoooaaiiiiaiaaaaoooiiiioo!” The other responds, “You must be really drunk.”


Q: What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.


Two guys were walking down the street, when one of guy said to the other, “I’m hungry, let’s eat.” The other guy (he was bald) says “OK.”


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.


Q: What’s green and has wheels?

A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.


What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor?”


What’s the difference between a lamp post and a cat?

Motorcycles don’t have doors!


What’s big, yellow, and doesn’t swim? A bus full of children.

 

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  1. Collection of Anti-Jokes – Part Two

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